I’m sorry world, I’m so depressing. I have never been this depressing since middle school, where I felt disconnected from the world. This time, again, I’m disconnecting from the world.
Everyone’s happy now. School’s almost over, we’re graduating, our lives as adults will truly start soon. Some of us will move to new horizons, while others will stay near our home, both moving forward to our goals.
I’m not happy.
Everyday is a war between my feelings and myself. I keep fighting because my heart lies in his lap, but my mind and friends say “You deserve better.” I agree, I really agree I deserve better, but this outcome isn’t entirely his fault either. Maybe if I only stayed with him more often, things would’ve been better. Maybe when he decided to open up again, I should not have stuck with my instinct of ignoring him cause he completely overlooked the problems in our relationship, or whatever it was. Maybe I should’ve went for it earlier and asked him. Maybe I should’ve kissed him. Maybe.
There are plenty more guys out there, I know. Going to the Great Mall today made me see, there are plenty of cute people that are intelligent and can provide things he could not have provided. But even when times are hard and things are wrong, I still believe in him. I still believe that he can make the things wrong right. I believe that he’s a kind person that considers everything that I do. I believe in us when it’s already over and beyond repair.
But I’m also distancing away from him as well. I can’t deal with the silent treatment that he gives me. I can’t deal with the fact that he won’t talk to me cause he’s not the “type to initiate a conversation”. Why did we talk in Disneyland then? Why did you put your head on my shoulder? Why was your arm around mine? Why did you push me away? Why did you deny me?
Why am I still so upset after a month? The entire world knows about this and everyone agrees that I deserve better. But guys, I can’t let go. I’m trying so hard to let everything pass, but I still miss him. He doesn’t deserve this attention at all, but my heart is still in his grasps. I don’t have the strength to free it from him anymore. It’s just an endless cycle of strength and weakness. Although time flies by, each and every day of the week feels like a sea of darkness.
I don’t want to feel like a failure anymore.